


Again

by estriel



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: 15DaysChallenge, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, M/M, Romance, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 14:44:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23104282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estriel/pseuds/estriel
Summary: Yuzu had thought, back then, when Javi kissed him – desperate, urgent, the way a man dying of poison drinks his antidote – that somehow, all his dreams had come true.
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 21
Kudos: 66





	Again

**Author's Note:**

> The song that inspired this and is quoted throughout the story: [Agnes Obel - It's Happening Again](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YT-ECHaz4PE)

** _I swear it is true_ **

** _The past isn't dead_ **

** _It's alive, it is happening_ **

** _In the back of my head_ **

** _No future, no past_ **

** _No laws of time_ **

** _Can undo what is happening_ **

** _When I close my eyes_ **

** _With the stars and the moon_ **

** _I woke up in the night_ **

_ _

It is always the same, like skating in circles.

Yuzu vividly remembers the first time this had happened, even though he had not dared interpret Javi’s behavior back then. Javi and Miki had broken up, or were on the road to a split at least… Yuzu remembers the way Javi had gravitated towards him, hugging a little tighter than usual, his hands drawn to Yuzu’s back like magnets to metal, palms burning through the thin mesh of Yuzu’s swan costume, arms possessive around his waist. It had all been there, had Yuzu known to read the signs. But he hadn’t, or rather did not allow himself to think through the possible implications, because it was the run-up to the Olympic season, and they were still competitors first and foremost.

He remembers the delirious blur that was the Fantasy on Ice tour after the Olympics, just having fun, basking in the glory of his achievement, rejoicing in Javi’s presence. And then, the last night of the show: Javi at his door, Javi on the couch once Yuzu invited him in, and the two shining tears that slid down Javi’s cheeks when he stuttered through his goodbyes. Yuzu had reached out to wipe at them, aching inside but not daring to say any of the things he wanted to say. Like  _ stay _ . Like  _ I’m in love with you _ . Like  _ I need you _ .

He had thought, then, when Javi kissed him – desperate, urgent, the way a man dying of poison drinks his antidote – that somehow, all his dreams had come true. He had never had sex until that night, and here Javi was, a person he trusted, a person he loved, a person he craved more than he craved gold… 

It had been perfect, Javi’s mouth hot and wet as it slid down Yuzu’s skin, his touch just the right side of rough as he tugged at Yuzu’s hair, the whispered Spanish turning Yuzu’s insides into liquid when Javi pulled him into his lap, Yuzu’s dick trapped between their moving bodies, Javi’s nestled  _ inside _ , incredibly, intensely, intimately.

The sweet dream that lulled Yuzu to sleep – of beginnings, of togetherness, of lazy morning kisses, of  _ love _ – had been perfect.

And then, when he woke up in the dark, cold and alone among the tangled sheets, it suddenly had not been, anymore.

** _And for a brief moment_ **

** _We could stop the time_ **

** _But with the stars and the moon_ **

** _I woke up in the night_ **

It is always the same, like when Javi breaks up with Marina after their joint trip to Iceland, when he shows up at Autumn Classic, and pulls Yuzu into a hug that smells like longing and fresh promises, when he meets Yuzu in a hotel room later that day, looking at him in a way that Yuzu cannot escape even if he wanted to.

It is the same, and yet so different. Yuzu is confused and Javi doesn’t know what he wants, not really, but he kisses Yuzu breathless and whispers  _ please _ into his ear, then proceeds to spread himself for Yuzu, wanton and not really thinking about much. And for a second as they lie there, suspended in time, Javi clutching at him desperately in the aftermath of their coupling, Yuzu falls for it again, for the gasped  _ te quiero, oh, te quiero tanto _ that spills from Javi’s mouth, mindless and impossible, insubstantial… and gone as the high of Javi’s orgasm evaporates, gone like Javi when Yuzu wakes up from his nap.

** _In the same place, no_ **

** _It's sailing before my eyes_ **

It is like falling over and over, like his quad axels, except the outcome never changes. Nothing ever changes when Javi lets another girl go – one who is Japanese, Yuzu hears, intensely jealous for some inexplicable reason – and comes back to Yuzu, always back to him, an ever-swinging pendulum. Yuzu knows he should know better, but Javi’s mouth is the sweetest drug, like crystal meth, a shortcut to happiness, even if the illusion never lasts long.

_ _

_ Please _ , Yuzu whispers once Javi is done fucking him this time, planting kisses along the curve of his neck. He is not sure whether he means  _ please stay _ or  _ please don’t come back _ . He is sure Javi won’t do either.

** _I took a day or two_ **

** _To exile from the light_ **

** _To unfold that prisoner_ **

** _They call a mind_ **

_ _

It is when Yuzu retires that he decides he is too old, too hurt for falling endlessly. He draws the line, cuts the contacts, and bridles the stupid creature that is his heart, treacherous and destructive.

_ No _ , he responds when Javi texts ‘ _ I’m here. Meet me tonight?’  _ He stares at the screen, eyes blurry and types:  _ Goodbye _ , Javi.

Skating in circles was never Yuzu’s thing, not really. 

** _No future, no past_ **

** _No laws of time_ **

** _Can undo what is happening_ **

** **

It doesn’t happen again. Not the way Yuzu is used to. What happens instead is Javi staying away. What happens instead is Javi sending him an unassuming card for his birthday. A little gift for Christmas. A box of chocolates for Valentine’s day. What happens instead is Javi’s suspect lack of girlfriends, on Instagram or elsewhere.

What happens is that message –  _ I’m sorry. Can we please be friends again? _ – that Javi sends eventually.

_ I’ll think about it _ , Yuzu replies, reminding himself of his decision to be more careful with his heart. 

_ Yes _ , he sends, a few days later. It’s not that he is unhappy, per se. It’s not that he can’t live without Javi. It’s just that he walks into the Cricket Club every day to teach. It’s just that his eyes inevitably stray to the the Spanish flag – hung right next to Japan’s rising sun. It’s just that for a split-second, his heart constricts painfully inside his chest – Every. Single. Time. It’s just that he misses Javi.

** _We could stop the time_ **

** **

It is not at all the same. The way Javi smiles at him, shy and visibly nervous, hand up to scratch at the back of his head.

“I missed you,” he says, biting his lip. Yuzu nods. He nods, and Javi’s eyes flare up with something so ridiculously bright Yuzu can barely bear it.  _ Hope _ . He’d rather not think about it too much, lest it burn him again.

It is not at all the same, the way Javi invites him for tea, or to the park, where they throw seeds to the ducks on the pond and Javi complains about Canada’s weather, only to tell Yuzu to  _ please put this on _ and tuck his own scarf around Yuzu’s neck when he sees Yuzu shiver. The scarf smells like Javi. Javi doesn’t ask for it back, and so Yuzu keeps it. 

It is not at all the same, the way Javi asks  _ is this okay?  _ before he threads his fingers through Yuzu’s, on what Yuzu realizes is their third  _ date _ .

It is completely different, when he eventually asks Javi to come up to his apartment, when he kisses away the quiet gasp of wonder that escapes Javi’s lips, when he slides his hands under Javi’s t-shirt.

It is the same, the utter bliss when they’re finally naked, finally together, finally moments away from losing themselves in each other. It is different though. Because this time, Javi stops and looks up at Yuzu, cups his face, and says, sober, serious and sincere,  _ I love you. I have loved you for so long _ ,  _ Yuzu. _

It is different. Because this time, when Yuzu wakes up, Javi is there, curled up against him.  _ I love you _ , he whispers into Yuzu’s hair, and kisses Yuzu’s temple, the corner of Yuzu’s mouth.

This time, when they wake up to the bright light of morning, Javi smiles at him, presses their mouths together briefly, then asks:  _ Can I stay? I mean with you, here, or wherever you go? Can I please stay? _

In the end, it is always the same. Because Yuzu never really could say no. Because Yuzu never really could say goodbye.

_ Yes _ , Yuzu says.  _ Yes. Stay. _

**Author's Note:**

> If I was braver and wanted to work really hard, I'd try to write a companion piece to this from Javi's POV... but I probably won't, so I trust you, dear reader, to imagine that Javi is not a complete asshole. <3


End file.
